Grasp The Nettle!

At the British "Spectator," another of Mary Killen's circuitous British solutions to vexing social problems:

Q. We have taken a house in Italy and are bringing out some good old friends to stay. Now we learn that some very friendly neighbours in England will be three miles away during the same week. We will certainly run into them while we are out there and they will definitely want to meet up. My husband will go mad if we see them even once but I do not want to offend them. What should I do?

Name and address withheld

A. Grasp the nettle. Ring the neighbour crooning that you have been maddened to hear that they will be there at the same time because you will not be able to see them. Say that it will not be a holiday for you as you have a VIP coming to stay and have to comply with all sorts of security regulations and anyone coming over will have to be vetted. Will they forgive you for not saying who the VIP is and for not asking them over? In the meantime, can you book them to come over to you for dinner when you are all back?

No Awkwardness, Please; We're British

At the "Spectator" in London, Mary Killen, in her "Ask Mary" column, helps readers escape awkward situations without giving offense, an English cultural imperative. Several years ago, an Anglican from the north of England wrote in complaining that when she went to church in London, the liturgy included the opportunity to greet those sitting nearby between the ministry of the Word and Holy Eucharist. Churches call this passing the peace. She said that since she greeted people before and after the service, she saw no reason to do so in the middle. In the U.S., we'd smile or grimace, shake our heads, and say no thank you. Mary advised the reader to go to church with her right arm in a sling and gesture at it apologetically to escape being grasped or hugged.

Here's a more recent example:

Q. My 12-year-old son and I braved the snow last week to keep an appointment for him to look at a school. On the much delayed journey back to Paddington I was walking through to the buffet car when I saw two friends of a friend who kindly suggested I fetch my son and come and join them. Having said I would, I immediately regretted it because it meant my son (who boards) and I would not be able to chat together alone. I could not think of a way to backtrack and dragged him through to both of our regrets. How could I have explained that I had changed my mind without causing offense, Mary?

J.N., London W12

A. You could have made a show of going to your son’s carriage and then returning to announce that since he had fallen asleep you had better not leave him to wake up and wonder where on earth you were.